Tuesday, February 25, 2014

the one about my future

My graduation date is looming ever closer. Since coming back from Christmas break I have been scouring the internet for jobs and internships, anything really. For months and months I have been pounding the pavement for my next move. I have always been the girl with the plan and it's been unsettling to not have something in the works. It seems that I have run into rejection after rejection. The latest in the series came yesterday. Up until then I haven't been too worried, but the past few months of pushing aside my worry finally came spilling out.


For the first time since graduation has felt 'real' I was panicked.

"What if nothing works out?" 
"What if I don't get a job?" 
"What if I don't get into to grad school?" 
"What if I have nowhere to go?" 

What if? What if? What if?

All of these unknowns started to feel suffocating all of a sudden. I couldn't find the right path or even the faintest direction to start. I have all these interests and paths I want to try, but am too timid to go down one.

In my moment of panic I did the only two things I could think of: prayed and called my parents. Papa Lo answered. We talked for about half an hour and in that relatively short conversation everything changed. It was as if the clouds had parted. He encouraged me to find what I love to do, regardless of earning potential, and find a way to do that. He pointed out things I excelled at and was passionate about. He reassured me that there was an opportunity out there--I just need to find it. I made a mental list of avenues I want to try and started looking for graduate programs. I don't know what will pan out, but for now it seems like this is the road to take.

I never thought I'd be in this position: reaching into the dark and hoping something turns up. It's a little terrifying. Last week I had a completely negative view of my situation. I saw it as not having any options while, in reality, I have every option. I can explore any number of options. Papa Lo helped me gain an entire new perspective. And while it's scary, it's also liberating in a way.

So, for now, I am busily applying for numerous grad programs and planning my summer trip to Europe. I don't know what will happen in the next few weeks, but I know that something is going to work out.

^^sneak peek of where I'm headed


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