Monday, November 30, 2015

The 10 Commandments of Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Now that Thanksgiving is officially over, we move on to the season of Christmas carols, cheesy Hallmark movies, and ugly sweaters. I am unclear on the origins of this hallowed tradition, but does that stop me from participating with my whole heart? Nay, it does not.

Now, there is a fine line between a good ugly sweater and one that is just...well, not. Thus we have the 10 Commandments of Ugly Christmas Sweaters:

  1. Thou shalt purchase sweaters that look DIYable.
  2. Thou shalt not spend more than $20 on an ugly sweater.
  3. Thou shalt strive to possess a sweater with tinsel on it.
  4. Thou shalt not wear a sweater with working Christmas lights when sledding, skiing, or in any scenario where a water/snowball fight may occur.
  5. Thou shalt not wear a sweater with bells on it for longer than 15 minutes, lest ye be cast out.
  6. Thou shalt not purchase an ugly sweater that has profanity on it. Thy sweater should be ugly, not tacky.
  7. Thou shalt judge thy sweater on this question: Would your third grade teacher have worn this sweater at your 1997 class party? Purchase if answered in the affirmative.
  8. Thou shalt purchase thy sweater from DI or Goodwill whenever possible.
  9. Thou shalt wear thy ugly sweater with pride to all parties. 
  10. Thou shalt wear thy sweater whenever singing Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You."

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